smile for life: 2009

Under the wagon."

by professional

Apr 2009

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"
Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

Cow milk

by professional

Apr 2009

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?"
Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Ok, but that's not so bad."
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So what happened then?"
Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man: "Again?"
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, what did you do then?"
Farmer: "I took her right leg this time, and tied it to the post on the right."
Man: "And then?"
Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, when the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
Man: "Hmmm . . . "
Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."
Man: "So, then what did you do?"
Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in."

A brake

by professional

Apr 2009

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken." replied the Amish lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.
The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."

Strong hores

by professional

Apr 2009

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

by professional

Apr 2009

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

by professional

Apr 2009

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin.

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

Jewish gentleman

by professional

Apr 2009

A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. He replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

3 women joke

by professional

Apr 2009

An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch. The American woman said, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"

The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"

The Italian woman chimed in, "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye."

right equipment joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A married couple went on a fishing trip. The husband went out on the lake with his boat and equipment, while the wife took a nap in the cabin. Later that afternoon, the husband returns to take a nap. So, the wife takes the boat to the middle of the lake, takes out a book and starts reading.

After a while a game warden comes along in his boat and tells her that she is in a restricted fishing area. She says that she is not fishing, just reading a book.

"But, you have all this fishing equipment, so I will have to fine you." said the game warden.

She replied, "Do that, and I'll have you arrested for rape."

"But lady! I haven't touched you!" exclaimed the game warden.

At which she replied, "Yes. But, YOU have all the right equipment."

shotgun joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A farmer was having problems with a bear climbing up his tree in the back yard, so he hired this guy who came very highly recommended to catch the bear.

The hunter came with a shotgun, rope, and a small dog. He gave the shotgun to the farmer and said, "Stay down here and I'll climb the tree, and shake the branches. When the bear falls, my dog will bite on his nuts, and while the bear is in agony, I'll come down and tie him up with the rope. Okay?"

The farmer nodded his head and asked, "But what is the shotgun for?"

The hunter replied, "Well, sometimes I fall off the tree. In that case, shoot the dog - fast!"

out run joke

by professional

Apr 2009

Two guys were hunting in the forest when they unexpectedly came across a very large brown bear. Immediatey, they both took off running. After a few minutes, one guy abruptly stopped running, took off his backpack, and pulled out a pair of running shoes.
The other guy saw this and was wondering what was going on. So he stopped, ran back to the first guy and asked, "Why are you putting on your running shoes? Do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?"
The other guy replied, "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!"

Hunting dog joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money. Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods. The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground three times. The hunters went into the woods and killed three rabbits and could not find anymore.
The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than three rabbits. The buyer was impressed and bought the dog.
The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was humping on the man's leg, scratching the ground, and shaking a stick in his mouth. The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him.
About two weeks later he saw the previous owner and told him what had happened.
The old owner told him that the dog was trying to tell him that there were more rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.

smarter joke

by professional

Apr 2009

One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s**t."
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

Unable to swim joke

by professional

Apr 2009

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

What Women Want joke

by professional

Apr 2009

"What Women Want:
To be loved, to be listened to,
to be desired, to be respected,
to be needed, to be trusted,
and sometimes, just to be held.

What Men Want:
Tickets for the World Series."

- Dave Barry

spectacular job joke

by professional

Apr 2009

One day a man spotted an old brass lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off of it, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You are a housewife."

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three wishes joke

by professional

Apr 2009

An old man was wandering on a beach one day, when he tripped over a decorative vase, with a cork stuffed into the top. He was curious about why someone would take the trouble to stuff a cork into this vase, so he uncorked the vase. Instantly, a giant cloud came surging out of the vase, and to the old man's amazement, a genie formed from the cloud.

"I will grant you three wishes, my new master," said the genie to the old man. But the genie cautioned the old man to be careful for what he wished for. "All you need do is utter the words 'I wish' and then tell me your fondest desire and, I will make it reality," said the genie.

Well, the old man was truly excited! There were SO many things he would like, and he thought about what he would wish for long and hard. At long last, he said, "Genie, I wish to be 25 years old again!" POOF! The old man is gone, replaced by a young, handsome version.

Next, the handsome young man said "Genie, I wish to be rich beyond my wildest dreams, with a sports car and lovely young women at my beck and call!" POOF! A shiny, red Jaguar appears before the astonished young man, with two lovely women seated in the car.

The young man grabs the vase and climbs in the Jaguar, and drives off the sandy beach onto the highway with the genie hovering attentively at his side.

Happy with his new life, the young man starts humming a familiar tune, then starts the first verse of the song, "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener." POOF!

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LOVE joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.

The man explains the situation with his wife, and then asks for his first wish. "The first thing I want is a million dollars."

The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million."

The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise."

The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses."

The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."
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thought joke

by professional

Apr 2009

There were three men stranded on an island. They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed upon the shore.

The men saw it and picked it up. The men rubbed the lamp and a genie popped appeared. After the genie rose up he granted the men one wish each.

The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After thinking the man finally said, "I wish I was back at home." Then poof, he disappeared.

The second man thought long and hard about his wish. Finally the man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." Then poof, he vanished.

The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and finally an idea came into his mind.

The third man said, "I wish that my two best friends were on this island with me," and poof, the two other men appeared on the island again.

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good genie joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A guy walks into a hotel. As he walked up to the hotel he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a tea. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the hotel with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

constipation joke

by professional

Apr 2009

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."

don't forget joke

by professional

Apr 2009

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

No one can help

by professional

Apr 2009

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"

The Rules of Bureaucracy

by professional

Apr 2009

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

your first worry

by professional

Apr 2009

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at $85,000."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

I'm tired

by professional

Apr 2009

I'm tired. For a couple years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

Boy Oh Boy . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working.

A nice joke

by professional

Apr 2009

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Psychiatric Hotline

by professional

Apr 2009

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

plumber vs neurosurgeon

by professional

Apr 2009

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."

Get reorganized

by professional

Apr 2009

The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."

"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants."

"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized."

Brain transplantaion

by professional

Apr 2009

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

Two whales

by professional

Apr 2009

There were two Orca (killer whales) swimming around the Arctic Ocean.
One whale turned to the other whale and said, "Hey! Do you see that fishing boat off in the distance? What do you say we swim over there, blow some water out of our blow holes, ram the boat and eat all the fishermen?"
The second killer whale said, "Well, I am up for the blow job, but I don't eat seamen."

The dog knows karate

by professional

Apr 2009

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." The clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate."

The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!" And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

Chestnuts roasting

by professional

Apr 2009

This guy had a parrot he trained to sing. Once he took the parrot to the bar and told everyone that if you put a match under the parrot's right foot he would sing Jingle Bells and if you put the match under his left foot he would sign White Christmas.

Of course the people in the bar wanted to see it. And, sure enough. He put a match under the parrot's right foot and he sang Jingle Bells. He put the match under the parrot's left foot, and low and behold, he sang White Christmas.

One guy asked him what would happen if he put a match between the parrot's legs. He answered, "I don't know. Try it and find out."

So, the guy put a match between the parrot's legs, and immediately the parrot began singing, "Chestnuts roasting... "

Bull crap

by professional

Apr 2009

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

How DO you start a flood?

by professional

Apr 2009

An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was outstanding and they got to talking about their vacations.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How DO you start a flood?"

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part II

by professional

Apr 2009

(What engineers say versus what they mean)

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development. (One finally worked)

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part I

by professional

Apr 2009

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part I
(What engineers say versus what they mean)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere withwhat we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Neither do I

by professional

Apr 2009

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

turtle recall

by professional

Apr 2009

A hyena is drinking at the watering hole one day, when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile.

The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"

"Well," answers the pachyderm, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB, and paid him back."

"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that elephant looked like after that many years?"

The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."

shoots

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

New baby.

by professional

Apr 2009

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

Unusual Funeral

by professional

Apr 2009

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A Woman's Prayer:

by professional

Apr 2009

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

Bank procedure

by professional

Apr 2009

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

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