smile for life: October 2009

right equipment joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A married couple went on a fishing trip. The husband went out on the lake with his boat and equipment, while the wife took a nap in the cabin. Later that afternoon, the husband returns to take a nap. So, the wife takes the boat to the middle of the lake, takes out a book and starts reading.

After a while a game warden comes along in his boat and tells her that she is in a restricted fishing area. She says that she is not fishing, just reading a book.

"But, you have all this fishing equipment, so I will have to fine you." said the game warden.

She replied, "Do that, and I'll have you arrested for rape."

"But lady! I haven't touched you!" exclaimed the game warden.

At which she replied, "Yes. But, YOU have all the right equipment."

shotgun joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A farmer was having problems with a bear climbing up his tree in the back yard, so he hired this guy who came very highly recommended to catch the bear.

The hunter came with a shotgun, rope, and a small dog. He gave the shotgun to the farmer and said, "Stay down here and I'll climb the tree, and shake the branches. When the bear falls, my dog will bite on his nuts, and while the bear is in agony, I'll come down and tie him up with the rope. Okay?"

The farmer nodded his head and asked, "But what is the shotgun for?"

The hunter replied, "Well, sometimes I fall off the tree. In that case, shoot the dog - fast!"

out run joke

by professional

Apr 2009

Two guys were hunting in the forest when they unexpectedly came across a very large brown bear. Immediatey, they both took off running. After a few minutes, one guy abruptly stopped running, took off his backpack, and pulled out a pair of running shoes.
The other guy saw this and was wondering what was going on. So he stopped, ran back to the first guy and asked, "Why are you putting on your running shoes? Do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?"
The other guy replied, "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!"

Hunting dog joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money. Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods. The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground three times. The hunters went into the woods and killed three rabbits and could not find anymore.
The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than three rabbits. The buyer was impressed and bought the dog.
The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was humping on the man's leg, scratching the ground, and shaking a stick in his mouth. The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him.
About two weeks later he saw the previous owner and told him what had happened.
The old owner told him that the dog was trying to tell him that there were more rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.

smarter joke

by professional

Apr 2009

One morning, a father and his young son were in the forest hunting rabbits. After about an hour, they finally came across some rabbit tracks. In between the tracks, there were these little round brown pellets, and the son said to his father, "Dad, what are those?"
The father replied, "Those are smart pills. Try a couple." So the kid grabbed a couple of them and put them in his mouth. The boy made a funny face and said to his dad, "Ewww! Yuk! They taste like s**t."
The father replied, "See, you're getting smarter already."

Unable to swim joke

by professional

Apr 2009

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

What Women Want joke

by professional

Apr 2009

"What Women Want:
To be loved, to be listened to,
to be desired, to be respected,
to be needed, to be trusted,
and sometimes, just to be held.

What Men Want:
Tickets for the World Series."

- Dave Barry

spectacular job joke

by professional

Apr 2009

One day a man spotted an old brass lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed the dirt off of it, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You are a housewife."

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three wishes joke

by professional

Apr 2009

An old man was wandering on a beach one day, when he tripped over a decorative vase, with a cork stuffed into the top. He was curious about why someone would take the trouble to stuff a cork into this vase, so he uncorked the vase. Instantly, a giant cloud came surging out of the vase, and to the old man's amazement, a genie formed from the cloud.

"I will grant you three wishes, my new master," said the genie to the old man. But the genie cautioned the old man to be careful for what he wished for. "All you need do is utter the words 'I wish' and then tell me your fondest desire and, I will make it reality," said the genie.

Well, the old man was truly excited! There were SO many things he would like, and he thought about what he would wish for long and hard. At long last, he said, "Genie, I wish to be 25 years old again!" POOF! The old man is gone, replaced by a young, handsome version.

Next, the handsome young man said "Genie, I wish to be rich beyond my wildest dreams, with a sports car and lovely young women at my beck and call!" POOF! A shiny, red Jaguar appears before the astonished young man, with two lovely women seated in the car.

The young man grabs the vase and climbs in the Jaguar, and drives off the sandy beach onto the highway with the genie hovering attentively at his side.

Happy with his new life, the young man starts humming a familiar tune, then starts the first verse of the song, "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener." POOF!

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LOVE joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.

The man explains the situation with his wife, and then asks for his first wish. "The first thing I want is a million dollars."

The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million."

The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise."

The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses."

The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."
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thought joke

by professional

Apr 2009

There were three men stranded on an island. They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed upon the shore.

The men saw it and picked it up. The men rubbed the lamp and a genie popped appeared. After the genie rose up he granted the men one wish each.

The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After thinking the man finally said, "I wish I was back at home." Then poof, he disappeared.

The second man thought long and hard about his wish. Finally the man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." Then poof, he vanished.

The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and finally an idea came into his mind.

The third man said, "I wish that my two best friends were on this island with me," and poof, the two other men appeared on the island again.

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good genie joke

by professional

Apr 2009

A guy walks into a hotel. As he walked up to the hotel he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a tea. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the hotel with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

constipation joke

by professional

Apr 2009

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."

don't forget joke

by professional

Apr 2009

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

No one can help

by professional

Apr 2009

A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"

The Rules of Bureaucracy

by professional

Apr 2009

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

your first worry

by professional

Apr 2009

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at $85,000."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

I'm tired

by professional

Apr 2009

I'm tired. For a couple years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

Boy Oh Boy . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working.

A nice joke

by professional

Apr 2009

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.

Rape phobia

by professional

Apr 2009

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere?" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager. "And, he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How did you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better," the Marine replied.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine. "How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Man , boy , donkey

by professional

Apr 2009

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your brain.

DeNephew

by professional

Apr 2009

The Un-Associated Press reported in a news bulletin today that a pregnant woman who has been in a coma for nine months following an automobile accident has given birth to twins, a baby girl and a baby boy. Awakening from her coma and learning that she had given birth to twins, she asked if names had already been given to them.

"Yes," her doctor informed her, "because we didn't know if you would ever come out of the coma, your brother Henry gave them their names."

"Oh dear God," the woman moaned, "my brother, Henry, is the family idiot. What in the world did he name them?"

"He named the baby girl Denise," answered the physician.

"Well, that's not so bad," the woman replied. "What did he name the baby boy?" The physician responded regretfully, "DeNephew."

open heart surgery

by professional

Apr 2009

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Kaiser. Is dat you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car. Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Dr. Kaiser, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Psychiatric Hotline

by professional

Apr 2009

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

plumber vs neurosurgeon

by professional

Apr 2009

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."

Get reorganized

by professional

Apr 2009

The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."

"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants."

"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized."

Brain transplantaion

by professional

Apr 2009

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

Two whales

by professional

Apr 2009

There were two Orca (killer whales) swimming around the Arctic Ocean.
One whale turned to the other whale and said, "Hey! Do you see that fishing boat off in the distance? What do you say we swim over there, blow some water out of our blow holes, ram the boat and eat all the fishermen?"
The second killer whale said, "Well, I am up for the blow job, but I don't eat seamen."

The dog knows karate

by professional

Apr 2009

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." The clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate."

The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!" And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

Chestnuts roasting

by professional

Apr 2009

This guy had a parrot he trained to sing. Once he took the parrot to the bar and told everyone that if you put a match under the parrot's right foot he would sing Jingle Bells and if you put the match under his left foot he would sign White Christmas.

Of course the people in the bar wanted to see it. And, sure enough. He put a match under the parrot's right foot and he sang Jingle Bells. He put the match under the parrot's left foot, and low and behold, he sang White Christmas.

One guy asked him what would happen if he put a match between the parrot's legs. He answered, "I don't know. Try it and find out."

So, the guy put a match between the parrot's legs, and immediately the parrot began singing, "Chestnuts roasting... "

Bull crap

by professional

Apr 2009

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

How DO you start a flood?

by professional

Apr 2009

An engineer and a lawyer were recently fishing in the Caribbean. The fishing was outstanding and they got to talking about their vacations.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the blazing fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a raging flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How DO you start a flood?"

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part II

by professional

Apr 2009

(What engineers say versus what they mean)

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development. (One finally worked)

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part I

by professional

Apr 2009

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part I
(What engineers say versus what they mean)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere withwhat we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Neither do I

by professional

Apr 2009

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

turtle recall

by professional

Apr 2009

A hyena is drinking at the watering hole one day, when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle, making it fly the better part of a mile.

The hyena asks, "What did you do that for?"

"Well," answers the pachyderm, "About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB, and paid him back."

"Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that elephant looked like after that many years?"

The elephant replied, "I have turtle recall."

shoots

by professional

Apr 2009

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Engineers and Accountants

by professional

Apr 2009

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Manager vs Engineer

by professional

Apr 2009

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

surgeons also differ

by professional

Apr 2009

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first surgeon said, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said, "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon responded, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded."

Then the fourth doctor interceded, "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who had been quietly listening to the conversation, replied, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Engineers differ

by professional

Apr 2009

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."

your debt

by professional

Apr 2009

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

pay with a smile

by professional

Apr 2009

I hate paying my income tax.
You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
I'd like to but they insist on money!

Duck will

by professional

Apr 2009

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

double your money

by professional

Apr 2009

How can a can you double your money?
By folding it in half.

cat swallowed a coin

by professional

Apr 2009

What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was money in the kitty.

trick-or-treating

by professional

Apr 2009

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

Bees

by professional

Apr 2009

Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box.

half a million

by professional

Apr 2009

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

Good honeymoon

by professional

Apr 2009

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."

Intelligent man

by professional

Apr 2009

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

Obviously Nuts

by professional

Apr 2009

A guy goes to the psychiatrist only wearing shorts made of Glad wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Getting Forgetful

by professional

Apr 2009

Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

A Crazy Person in the Woods

by professional

Apr 2009

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

A: They take the psycho path.

Mental Institution Pop Quiz

by professional

Apr 2009

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released.

Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon says, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers.

The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

Dan says, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?"

"I'd be completely blind."

"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor.

"Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

World Series

by professional

Apr 2009

Two guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow. One guy looks up at it and says, "Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won the World Series."

EVIL VS CHARITY

by professional

Apr 2009

One day, the evil challenged the Charity to a baseball game. Smiling the Charity proclaimed, "You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here". "Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."

Baby, good luck !

by professional

Apr 2009

A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

Nobody noticed

by professional

Apr 2009

To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

Chicago Bears

by professional

Apr 2009

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

Football or a meal !!!!

by professional

Apr 2009

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

SuperBowl

by professional

Apr 2009

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

New baby.

by professional

Apr 2009

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

Unusual Funeral

by professional

Apr 2009

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A Woman's Prayer:

by professional

Apr 2009

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

Bank procedure

by professional

Apr 2009

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Microsoft's support office

by professional

Apr 2009

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

Segmentation violation

by professional

Apr 2009

Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped blues!

COMPUTER NERDS

by professional

Apr 2009

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a tea. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a tea and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

Computer is a doctor

by professional

Apr 2009

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

Her name ?

by professional

Apr 2009

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Honeymooner

by professional

Apr 2009

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Very touching speech

by professional

Apr 2009

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Questions and answers

by professional

Apr 2009

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy

TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS

by professional

Apr 2009

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?" True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

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